Last we checked, Quebec was still part of Canada. We’ve translated this sketch from a popular Quebecois television show, “Qui veut gagner l’argent en masse?” to share the love.
This sketch has some top notch comedic acting (Gad Elmaleh et Olivier Barroux) and really does a good job parodying “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”
Here is the translation below.
Who Wants To Win Tons Of Cash?
Host: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight on “Who Wants To Win Tons Of Cash?”, we bring back Guy St. Hilaire. Good evening, Guy.
Guy: Hello, Marcel.
Host: I remind the audience that you are a Math professor.
Guy: Yes, Math professor, at Bréval High School, in Montréal.
Host: Which grade do you teach?
Guy: 15th grade. 15th grade….yellow.
Host: Yellow? Then you have students…?
Guy: …that go from 5 years to 55, 56 years of age. Yes.
Host: Obviously, no problem students there.
Guy: No, they’re pretty much ok, in groups.
Host: That’s perfect, Guy. So, hello again, since you’ve all ready been on “Who Wants To Win Tons Of Cash.” The first time you left with $100. This time, you can win up to one million dollars. What will you do with all this cash if you win?
Guy: If I win the million I think I will leave my wife and I will take to hiring high class prostitutes.
Host: I totally get it. So, here’s Guy, playing for whores.
We are playing Who Wants To Win Tons Of Cash? Here is the $800.00 question. Guy, when a pancake falls in the snow before the 31st of December, one says that it is;
A – fallen in the snow before the 31st of December
B – an edible frisbee
C – a frozen kippah
D – the answer D?
Guy: without hesitation, the answer C, a frozen kippah.
Host: This is your final stammer?
Guy: My final stammer.
Host: When a pancake falls in the snow before the 31st of December, one says that it is – a frozen Kippah! Bravo Guy. Question for $1,600.00 – and that amount will get you a decent escort.
When a pancake takes a plane to Toronto, and it makes a technical stopover at St. Claude, what is one going to say about this pancake..because – uh – that’s what I am talking about, pancakes, right?
One will say:
A – it hasn’t arrived in Toronto yet
b – it’s supposed to arrive in Toronto, but we are still waiting
C – what the bleep is this bleeping pancake up to?
D – the answer D
Guy:I am going to have to try an elimination round, Marcel, because it can’t be that it has all ready arrived. Unless the pancake fell in the snow from the plane, but that’s forbidden by the civil aviation code, everyone knows that. So it’s not answer A. Or C either. We could double-check B, but I’m not sure.
Host: Guy – don’t just jump in there. Take your time. Think before you risk it all.
Guy: Marcel, if I stop here, how much money do I have?
Host: You will owe us 1 million dollars….(laughter) Don’t forget that you have your Jokers. You
can also try to call your close friend on the wire.
Guy: If I owe 1 million, I will continue. I will try my close friend on the wire .
Host: He will try the close friend on the wire. Bravo, Guy. Who will you call?
Guy: Garou
Host: Garou, the Intermittent?
Guy: Yes.
Host: Ok. We are calling him right now. You have a half a minute to ask him. Go.
Garou: Hello.
Host: Hello, Garou. This is Marcel from Who Wants To Win Tons Of Cash? Guy St. Hilaire, he needs your help for a question worth $1,600.00.
Garou: But, I don’t know Guy. (He hangs up.)
Guy: That’s the last time I buy a Garou album, you can believe me! He’s hostile. I don’t trust that guy at all.
Host: Guy? You OK, Guy?
Guy: Yah.
Host: Sure, you’re ok?
Guy: I’m so-so, because…
Host: …don’t forget you still have 2 jokers.
Guy: Yeah, but like they say back home, until you have seen the grizzly’s asshole, there’s no point in changing your gun. So, I will have to continue with what I have. So, I’ll go with Answer C: What the bleep is this pancake up to?
Host: Guy – is that your last mumble?
Guy: Yep, that’s my last mumble?
Host: When a pancake takes a plane to Toronto, and it makes a technical stopover at St. Claude, one says “what’s this bleeping pancake up to?’ You’ve won. Bravo.
Now we are going to play for $3200.00. Guy, pay attention, because that kind of money will get you some real high class whores.
Guy: I know.
Host: When you invite a pancake to a Bar Mitzvah, should one:
A – get it to drink at the open BarMitzvah
B – introduce him to Raymond Barmitzvah
C – offer it some Malabarmitzvas
D – the answer D
GUY : D, D , D , or maybe it’s A.
Host: Concentrate.
Guy: Maybe it’s B. Or even C.
Host: You can win this.
Guy: It’s A.
Host: Guy – is that your last stutter?
Guy: Yep, that’s my last stutter?
Host: When you invite a pancake to a Bar Mitzvah, you should invite it to the Open Barmitzva.
Guy: Frankly, Marcel, between you and me, I can hardly wait to get at those call girls.
Host: I hear you Guy. You look very – self-contained.
Guy: It’s been a very long time.
Host: It shows.
Guy: Yes, a bit.
Host: During which historic event was the pancake created.
Guy: Whoa.
Host: A – in 1618, during the War of the Croissants and Butter.
B – in 1702, during the Massacre of Saint Panini
C – in 112, before Celine, during the taking of the brioche, a tragic
event
Guy – I laugh because when I was at school, I never knew..
Host: But that’s what is funny.
Guy: Yes.
Host: Or D, and here I will surprise you: the answer D
Guy: Answer D, is always answer d.
Host: Always.
Guy: Ok, here’s where I am. Because I do not know, I will ask the audience’s opinion.
Host: Really? You’re going to pass up your Joker?
Attention audience members, you will help Guy by answering the question. It’s your turn to play. Go. You can hear the audience shuffling, they are being torn, pulled….
(…the answers are displayed here, and they are equal across the board, with every answer receiving 25% of the votes. Laughter.)
Guy: The audience doesn’t know.
Host: Maybe the fact that they are all Hungarian means something.
Guy: Marcel, I am going to have to go with the 50-50. I have no choice.
Host: Very good. Computer – you are going to take away two bad answers.
Guy: Marcel, can I ask that for this time, we go for the Super 50-50?
Host: You have the right. Computer – continue to the Super 50-50.
(…the computer takes away all the answers so there are none on the screen.0
Host: Ok, Marcel. I hope you really reflect, and concentrate now. Make the best of your self-control.
Guy: Honestly, I don’t know any more. I am going to guess – the answer B.
Host: Is that your last stammer?
Guy: Yes
..A loud noise sounds – sounds like the end of the show.
Guy: Is that the end?
(..the host scurries off the stage….)
No: No – that’s my ride home. I’m double parked.
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