These are quotes, but the funniest gifts are here
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. Fields
Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
P. J. O’Rourke
The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts.
From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.
There has been only one Christmas — the rest are anniversaries.
W. J. Cameron
“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’ ~Dave Barry
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.”
“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family… ”
Berke Breathed ”
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”