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We’re All Going To Hell – The Bastard Fairies

We’re All Going To Hell
The Bastard Fairies lyrics

All you Mormons who like cussing, you are going to hell
All you preachers who like fucking, you are going to hell
Little boys that choke the chicken, you are going to hell
It’s the nature of evolution, the dinosaurs went to hell

-CHORUS-
Hell hell hell it’s a wonderful place
It’s a place of fire and brimstone

All you Christian politicians, you are going to hell
Magic Jesus apparitions send you to hell
Buddhist monks without god you are going to hell
Those of you dissecting frogs, you are going to hell

CHORUS

(talking)
I need a beer
-Can opening-
Ha-ha that was pretty good
Ahh. Okay

All you Catholics wearing condoms, you are going to hell
All us fatties eating bonbons, we are going to hell
Unbaptized babies learn to limbo, purgatory is hell
And your religion is a gamble and you are going to hell

CHORUS

Check this shit out x 2
It’s gunna change your life x2

There once was a man who thought that if he ate all the pages in the bible he could kill most anything
In 1913 he died of a stroke when he tried to eat the book of kings

Eat the book of kings x2

[tags] The Bastard Fairies, music video, hipocrasy [/tags]

Lolsecretz – where PostSecret Meets LOL Cats

Lolsecretz - For dis I will kill him sloly and panefuly

Presenting Lolsecretz

You’ve probably seen LOLCats – Laugh Out Loud pictures of cats with funny captions like I Can Has Cheezburger .

And you’ve most likely heard of PostSecret – the site that posts 4×6 inch postcards sent in by viewers on which they anonymously confessed their deepest darkest secrets.

Now, there’s Lolsecretz – the meeting of the two: confessions sent in by our furry pets.

Ah – I’d laugh more if it wasn’t for the damn cringe-inducing bad grammar and stupit spelink.

But zehr so kewt!

[tags] funny animals, LOLCats, LOL cats, LOL secrets, LOLsecretz, postsecret, [/tags]

A New Way To Sign Off On Letters

I don’t have my spam catcher set to high, so sometimes the buggers get in and sometimes I end up reading them. This one was delightful.

Subject: I found your website and compared it to others. It goes directly to the root of the problem to increase power, potency, volume of ejaculate and intensity of climax.

Body: You guys are amazing with your delivery and customer service. Multiple Orgasms.
http://spamcompanyname.com

Yes, that’s exactly what this web site does, and true, we are amazing. And how kind of you to wish us Multiple Orgasms.

I suggest from now on instead of signing off with Sincerely, or Kindest Regards, we write Multiple Orgasms at the end of our letters, and see if we can’t make the world a brighter place.

Ciaio for now. And multiple orgasms!

[tags] multiple orgasms [/tags]

Daily Dose: Watch Yourself

“When alone, watch your thoughts; when with others, your words.”

Mongolian Proverb

[tags] quote, wisdom [/tags]

Terry Tate Office Linebacker – Sensitivity Training

The Felcher & Sons company tries out sensitivity training.

Make sure you see the first in the series…first

[tags] funny video, terry tate, reebok [/tags]

Exxon Will Burn PEOPLE For Fuel If Climate Calamity Hits Us

Not to worry people. The oil industry has a plan to keep us safe in the even of climate disaster. It’s called Vivoleum, and it’s from Exxon.

“Representatives” from Exxon and the National Petroleum Council reassure us that in the worst case scenario, the oil industry could “keep fuel flowing” by transforming the billions of people who will die in an environmental calamity right back into oil.

“We need something like whales, but infinitely more abundant,” said “NPC rep” “Shepard Wolff”.

“”Vivoleum works in perfect synergy with the continued expansion of fossil fuel production,” noted “Exxon rep” “Florian Osenberg.” “With more fossil fuels comes a greater chance of disaster, but that means more feedstock for Vivoleum. Fuel will continue to flow for those of us left.”

Scared? You should be. Because this crazy presentation that was delivered June 14th at GO-EXPO, Canada’s largest oil conference, wasn’t outed as a prank until nearing the end of the speech, when the fake representatives lit candles supposedly made from actual Vivoleum obtained from the flesh of an “Exxon janitor” who died as a result of cleaning up a toxic spill. The audience – 300 oil men – only reacted when the janitor, in a video tribute, announced that he wished to be transformed into candles after his death.

Before that the audience listened to the lecture with attention, watched the 3-D animations outlining the process used to render human flesh into a Vivoleum, and obligingly lit the candles, fully knowing what they were made from.

Who’s are these pranksters? While it’s Bitter Tonic’s favourite heroes The Yes Men, who are notorious for impersonating “big-time criminals in order to publicly humiliate them.” Targets are leaders and big corporations who put profits ahead of everything else, like the WTO, Dow and Bush.

Be sure to check out their web site for more clever hoaxes, like The Reburger, and to watch the Yes Men documentary to see them pull off an absurd hoax at a textile industry show (see image below.) Become a Yes Man yourself, and support the hijinx. After all, there is nothing better than satire to protest the stupidity of expecting the world’s biggest polluter to have an environmental solution.

“If our idea of energy security is to increase the chances of climate calamity, we have a very funny sense of what security really is,” Bonanno said. “While ExxonMobil continues to post record profits, they use their money to persuade governments to do nothing about climate change. This is a crime against humanity.”

“Putting the former Exxon CEO in charge of the NPC, and soliciting his advice on our energy future, is like putting the wolf in charge of the flock,” said “Shepard Wolff” (Bichlbaum). “Exxon has done more damage to the environment and to our chances of survival than any other company on earth. Why should we let them determine our future?”

No Yes Men were harmed during the escapade. Security guards dragged Andy Bichlbaum (Shepard Wolff) away from the reporters, and he and Mike Bonanno (Florian Osenberg) were detained until Calgary Police Service officers could arrive. The policemen, determining that no major infractions had been committed, permitted the Yes Men to leave.

Oh, and by the way, Bichlbaum and Bonanno, are not even the real names of the Yes Men. The are actually Jacques Servin and Igor Vamos. Servin is best known for who inserted images of men kissing in the computer game SimCopter, while Vamos is an assistant professor of media arts at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, New York.

Learn more:

About The Yes Men,
Watch The Yes Men Documentary on Google,
About the NPC and ExxonMobil,
About the Alberta oil sands,
About liquid coal.

The Yes Men Manager of the Future

[tags]  the yes men, Exxon,   National Petroleum Council, Vivoleum, GO-EXPO, activism, social satire, best pranks [/tags]

In The Motherhood Episode 1

In The Motherhood

In The Motherhood is a new online comedy series starring Leah Rimini which is being based on real life stories sent in by moms – for moms. Each episode is being based on a theme and readers are invited to write in their stories on subjects like Bribing Your Child, or Explaining the Birds and the Bees, and entries are posted on the web.

If you don’t want to write about your kid using your lipstick on the cat’s rectum (photo above) or toddler taking a poop in a hardware store display toilet, you can still participate by reading and voting on the submissions.

The series is sponsored by Suave and Sprint.

The Best Invented Words

Kindly gathered into one fine article from such sites as

“The week’s best invented words” is a regular column published in the Toronto Star. Check it regularly to embiggen your vocab.

Here are The Best Invested Words from the last 2 columns.

Excessorize, n.: to eat, drink or otherwise indulge to excess. Example: After consuming vast quantities of Twinkies and corn dogs, Bob and Doug decided to excessorize with some chicken wings and deep-pan pizza.
(UrbanDictionary.com)

Cinemuck: the sticky glop of pop, popcorn, and melted chocolate that coats the floors of movie theatres. E.g.: “Dude, are you sure you wanna wear those shoes to the theatre? You know what cinemuck will do to them.” (UrbanDictionary.com)

Nexting, n.: “the fine art of hitting the ‘next’ button to skip the previews on a DVD.”
(pseudodictionary.com)

Multislacking: to perform multiple slacker-esque tasks concurrently. Among the activities that qualify: checking your MySpace page, surfing Wikipedia, chatting, and half-watching random videos on YouTube. (UrbanDictionary.com)

Slacker window, n.: “the grey area between screwing up an unpleasant assignment badly enough that you won’t be given similar ones in the future and screwing it up badly enough that you get fired.”
(The Office Lexicon website)

Carter’s Trap: “if you display an ability to work well with difficult co-workers, you will continually be assigned to work with difficult co-workers. Corollary: If you execute an unpleasant or distasteful assignment well, you will be given more unpleasant or distasteful assignments.” (Dangerouslogic.com)

Stupididdy, n.: “what you’re guilty of being if you give yourself a name like P. Diddy. Example: You’re changing your name to what? If that isn’t a serious case of stupididdy, I don’t know what is.”
(pseudodictionary.com)

Mahogany row: “a suite of offices housing C-level executives. Their desks are made of expensive wood, while the adjacent peons work in cubicles with Formica-topped desks.” (BuzzWhack.com)

See how many times you can use them in the next week and write us about you wowed them with your new big words.

Thanks to Andrij for the tip.

[tags] funny, invented words, toronto star, John Sakamoto,Urbandictionary.com, urban dictionary, [/tags]

When Bad Writing Becomes Funny

Hmmm, just read about a site called Scribd – it’s like YouTube but instead of videos you upload articles in a PDF form.

I’ve just embedded the code for this funny doc “Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay.”

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Joseph Romm…

What do you think?

[tags] funny, bad writing, scribd, pdf [/tags]

I Can Be Your Facebook Stalker

We joined Facebook and were quickly addicted.

We were not the first.

[tags] funny, video, facebook [/tags]