On the surface, Halloween may look to be just another simple holiday intending to bring joy and laughter to our children across the land. But lurking beneath its sweet veneer is this oft hidden and darker truth: that the holiday incites violence and cruelty to vegetables.
Millions of our children, after gorging themselves on their preferred sources of nutrition, such as candy, chocolate and chips, take to the streets to show these more nutritious food choices how they really feel about them.
Though robust members of the food chart, the pumpkins are no match for these masked and sugared hooligans, shattering or splitting after a single kick or the slightest fall.
After enacting their revenge and hatred towards the pumpkins, our streets and sidewalks are littered with beta-carotene laden flesh and strewn with seeds rich in the amino acids alanin, glycine, glutamic acid, and zinc.
More cruelty to pumpkins is reported on this night than any other.
“It’s such a shame,” said Alice Millerton, as she tossed what was left of her jack-o-lantern into her compost bin. “It was going to make such a lovely pie.”
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