Another generation traumatized by clowns.

Dog massage. Because people are crazy. And in Beverly Hills they are craziest.

For the richest of the rich, there is now a luxury spa for dogs. The faulty logic goes like this – if the owners like it, they think naturally, their dog will like it too, so our little canine pups are treated to dog massages, doggy yoga, doggy facials, jacuzzis, and aromatherapy (vanilla and lavender? Not rotting fish?.)

All of this administered earnestly by doting specialists with fake diplomas.

Best line by Triumph the Dog in this Conan O’Brien clip “What’s it like being the reason Al Quaeda hates us?”

Worst idea – that this upscale spa that caters to dogs has really taken off.

For all the bitter people out there who don’t trust the system. You’re right. The system sucks and is set up to duplicate boring, conformist memes.

Here’s Felicia Day from The Guild with last year’s Streamy awards, where she thanks all the casting directors, producers and directors for REJECTING her. If not for them beating her to the ground and getting her all depressed, she would never have picked up a pen, written and produced her own show “around the system.”

Just goes to show, the best way to get somewhere is not always straight through.

Because few are as funny as Mr. Bean. And because we like sheep.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”
Victor Borge

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. Fields

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
P. J. O’Rourke

The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts.
Peter Dickinson

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
Katharine Whitehorn

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.
Anonymous

There has been only one Christmas — the rest are anniversaries.
W. J. Cameron

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
Dave Barry

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’ ~Dave Barry

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
Joan Rivers.

“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.”
Dick Gregory

“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
Jay Leno.

“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family… ”
Berke Breathed ”

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
Jay Leno.

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”
P.J. O’Rourke.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you canfind.

Greash the oven..

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

***

Say tuned for more funny Christmas Stories.

Bohemian Rhapsody Austrian Oompah-Band Style

This is how I always imagined Bohemian Rhapsody in my head.

Cat loves chihuahua. Chihuahua loves cat’s love. For a while.

I too have dated moody fucks like this. In fact, I wear the cat’s last expression on my face most of the time.

Those wacky Italians and their damn spelling. We at Bitter Tonic do believe that Gucky by Gucky sounds the sexiest, but Gooky by Gooky is pretty damn appealing too – especially if it’s spoken by James Franco.

Wonder what our fave thespian would do with Versace?

In this cat video, puss shares his fave drinking technique. Might not be the most efficient, and not great for water conservation, but he does have the cleanest head in town.

Don’t tell me cats have no brains…